Body Image

I see it in my photos, in my reflection, and in the “sudden” tightness of clothes that used to fit perfectly: I have gained weight. When I first realized this, I beat myself up about it for weeks by asking how I let things get this way. I knew that my stress levels had increased and that I had been drinking more, but I was also working out more, albeit no longer running long distances. Then I realized that since December, I have been taking nearly double the insulin that I used to because I finally started carb-counting correctly. And because of that, my blood sugars have been drastically better. So that’s one thing I’m not changing.

But there is other good news. Even though I look bigger, I feel stronger than ever before. I’d always worked out to stay in shape or to stay “thin”, but since the beginning of this year, I have wanted to gain strength—even if it meant looking bigger, I told myself. And when I look at my photos, at my reflection, and at the “sudden” tightness of clothes that used to fit perfectly, it’s easy to forget that that was what I wanted, because I’m seeing and interpreting what is on the surface. Looking beyond that, when I’m at the gym leg-pressing 320 pounds of plates (used to max out at 240) and lat-pulling 90 pounds (used to max out at 60), I realize that I am doing two important things:

1. Once upon a time, there were things I thought I couldn’t do because diabetes. But these were all self-imposed limitations, and the past week has been a reminder of that: I told myself that I couldn’t exceed x pounds on the weight machines because, well, I just couldn’t. But lately, with enough determination to finish each set and enough patience to increase the weight incrementally, I have exceeded any expectations or limitations that I’ve set for myself.
2. I am working toward my goal. It matters less how I look than how I feel, and quite frankly, I feel more of the good about getting stronger than I feel of the bad about getting bigger. I feel healthier. And if health is wealth, then I’m only getting wealthier. (Did I push that too far?)

As such, I am slowly but surely accepting that this is my body that I have worked hard for, and reminding myself that looking thin does not equate to being healthy. More importantly, I am taking a rare moment to commend myself for being stronger and healthier than I have been in a long time.

To be continued…