Becoming Healthier

I like to believe that I have accomplished a good amount in my lifetime, particularly over the past two years. But I was never truly proud of myself until this week.

I finally went to my endocrinologist because I was overdue for a visit. The nurse did all the usual things–ask the standard questions, check blood pressure, test blood sugar, take blood for the A1c test… A few minutes later, Dr. Oxman entered. As we started reviewing some of my Dexcom trends and stats, there was a faint knock on the door. The nurse appeared and discretely handed her a slip of paper. I always dreaded this moment. The A1c result that appeared on this measly slip of paper would determine both the tone of the rest of the appointment and the way I would feel for the rest of the week.

That statement alone should already imply that I have had negative experiences in this realm. For my entire adult life, that slip of paper always led to a little bit of admonishment from my doctors and a lot of disappointment and discouragement in myself. For years, the doctors told me that I probably was miscounting the grams of carbohydrates in my food (amongst other factors) and therefore not taking enough insulin. For years, I denied the slightest possibility of that, because, please, I’ve had diabetes my whole life, so I think I know what I’m doing.

I’ve previously alluded to health issues arising from poor diabetes management. When these started happening in early 2017, I thought I was invincible because I was “still young” and I “still looked healthy”—and to be fair, I did look healthy. But I fooled myself (and probably you too). And boy, was I humbled. Over the next year, the same issues persisted. As each of my doctors’ warnings became more stern and each of their reactions to my most recent A1c results became more ghastly, it finally hit me. I wasn’t doing so hot after all. For the first time in my life, the range of diabetes complications that I previously perceived as myths (or at least unlikely to ever happen to me) suddenly became my realest fears.

So at the beginning of this year, when my A1c was at an all-time high of 12.1%, I thought to myself, “What if I really have been miscounting my carbs all this time?” So I bought a kitchen scale, read all the nutrition labels, measured everything out, and calculated and bolused accordingly. And boy. Was I humbled.

I was so damn wrong the entire time. I wasn’t even a little bit wrong. I was off-the-charts wrong with almost every bolus I gave myself, every meal. Embarrassed, ashamed, aghast—these are just a few words to describe how I felt after doing it right for a few days and experiencing normal glucose levels for that timeframe. Ironically, it felt weird to be normal, because for so long, high was normal.

Those last few weeks of 2018 served as a tremendous turning point for me. It had nothing to do with my half-marathon journey, nor did it have anything to do with my personal development. It was about turning my life around and finally taking care of myself, and it happened only because I humbled myself and considered the fact that maybe I had been doing something wrong. Actually, it happened because I finally got scared. Then humbled.

Since January, my blood sugars have been immensely better. According to Dexcom stats, my time in range (for normal blood glucose levels) had increased from 20-something percent in December to 30-plus percent. And as the weeks went by, that number crept up. Last week, I reached an all-time high of 64% in range. And while that may not be a satisfactory score on an exam, it’s a win in my book.

Fast forward to this past Tuesday—because of the increased time-in-range percentage, I expected a better A1c than 12.1%. Nonetheless, I still dreaded that slip of paper. As Dr. Oxman looked at it, she sighed. And she softly said, “Why don’t you take a look?” Heart racing, I took a deep breath and glanced down. When my eyes saw 7.6%, I couldn’t believe it. I looked up and looked down again, and the slip still read 7.6%. I was on the verge of tears.

She smiled at me and said she was proud of me. My dia-buddy who accompanied me for the appointment asked to take a look too, and excitedly high-fived me. Seriously, the tears were impending. It took me a while to refocus on the task at hand, because even at 7.6%, there’s still considerable room for improvement.

Actually, you know what? I’m not going to humble myself right now. I’m going to be proud of myself. Seeing my timeline of A1c results from 2014 through Tuesday took my breath away. I hadn’t realized that in the grand scheme of things, my diabetes management had been so bad. But since December, I have taken a gigantic step forward. Just as Dr. Oxman warned, it has been difficult, but the hard journey has been worth the 7.6%.

Of course, diabetes will not go away. The hard, unpredictable days will not go away. But neither will my determination to continue this journey of becoming healthier. And by becoming healthier, I also become happier.