When I was telling a friend about my idea to compose the previous post, he suggested a positive alternative: “I love you”. But this one would address myself, as opposed to a collective “we” or a general “they”.
In an earlier conversation with another friend, I admitted that I constantly seek external affirmation. Whether it’s ongoing praise for an accomplishment or a passing compliment out of courtesy, this is how I get my sense of value and self-worth. As I delved into the topic, I uncovered that all the way through high school, I received affirmation from teachers, classmates, and other parents (but not my own because Asian-family vibes) about my academic achievements. Throughout college, as I lost weight and as my acne faded, I received affirmation from family members about my physical appearance. Toward the end of college and for the next couple of years, I received all sorts of affirmation from my then-partner about, well, all sorts of things. And during and after that, I received affirmation from my bosses and colleagues for the good and hard work I was doing for the firm. Thereafter, I received affirmation from whoever I was dating (to whatever extent of the word) at the time about whatever they thought I wanted to hear.
I’ve written about and alluded to this many times before, but in 2018 I signed up to run 10 half-marathons. Primarily, I did it for my health. Secondarily (but probably just as much), I did it for my sense of self-worth. I was disappointed in myself for not having accomplished anything in a while, and I was ashamed of the state of my health. Every time I completed a half-marathon, I posted about it on social media to: (1) exhibit my accomplishments, and subsequently, (2) receive affirmation. At this point, the half-marathon journey is becoming an increasingly distant memory, and I tell the story only when someone talks about running a bunch of (half) marathons or when I am prompted to discuss a personal accomplishment.
But in talking through this with that friend, I realized that’s the danger of seeking affirmation from accomplishments: it is temporary. For each of the 10 half-marathons I ran, I received affirmation. At the very end, I shared a photo of me holding up all of my medals, and I felt so good about the number of likes and “You go, girl!” comments I received. But since the end of 2018, it hasn’t really meant anything anymore. Once again, I have been feeling that I haven’t accomplished anything in a while, that I haven’t done anything good, that I’m not all that great—because I haven’t been receiving affirmations from others.
In the past few years, I have been talking about personal development and how far I (think I) have come in my journey. But maybe it’s time for a reality check, for a detour on this journey. I don’t have a very strong sense of self-worth if I am still seeking external affirmation. If I need to find somebody to love and appreciate, and more importantly, somebody to love and appreciate me, maybe it means I don’t yet love and appreciate myself enough.
And in order to truly love and appreciate somebody else, I must love and appreciate myself first.
So, as my friend made his suggestion, I immediately affirmed this brilliant idea, and then had to give some thought about the things I love and appreciate about myself. Here are my own self-affirmations:
- I connect easily with people. Although I sometimes think I am an introvert and although I often frustratedly declare, “Ugh, I hate people”, I make genuine and meaningful connections surprisingly quickly because I listen deeply and I share openly.
- I invest in my relationships. No matter how busy I am, I make time (the most valuable investment, in my opinion) for those who are important to me. Even if I don’t remember every detail of their life stories, I don’t forget them. Sometimes I make a list of people that I need to (re)connect with because I want to hear about they’re doing and I want them to know that there’s someone out there who thinks about them.
- Left-brained vs. right-brained—I’m both! I excel at both creative and analytical, expressing my thoughts artistically and fluidly and making decisions based on logic and data.
- Sort of a continuation of the right-brained thing—I’m an excellent communicator and writer. The first time that I received affirmation for this was in third grade, and then it happened throughout grade school. I always just went along with this affirmation, but it wasn’t until the last few years, when I started writing more about my personal reflections, that I came to truly recognize and embrace this.
- My sense of humor is unparalleled. I know many people would beg to differ, but I mean it when I say I’m the funniest person I know. Few people make me laugh as constantly and as uproariously as I make myself. This is a particularly useful trait while single and quarantined, by the way.
- On a scale of 1 (Gordon Ramsey would cuss me out of his kitchen) to 10 (Rachael Ray would invite me onto her show), my cooking skills are approximately 7.5. When I first started cooking for myself freshman year of college, I was probably at a 2, at best. I recall a picture of “my first meal” that I snapped and sent to my parents: rice that was cooked with too little water, some semblance of an omelet that clearly stayed on the pan for too long (and tasted way too salty), and a pathetic attempt at ong-choy (water spinach) that looked real mushy. But now I am confident enough in my cooking skills that I can cook for someone without worrying that my food will scare them away! This is not a particularly useful trait while single and quarantined, though.
- When I really set my mind to something, I do it. That’s that. A long time ago, I realized something very important: that the person that sucks most to disappoint is myself. If I disappoint my parents, my friends, my colleagues, it sucks—especially when negative feedback is involved. But that all passes and we all move on; and as we build our relationship, we end up forgetting about whatever the disappointment was. However, if I disappoint myself, I have to live with it. Because it’s so internal and deeply rooted, it’s hard to escape. So I’ve learned to adjust my expectations for myself so that they are realistic and attainable. I’ve also learned to not attach myself too much to them so that if something isn’t done as expected, I don’t end up both devastated and disappointed—rather, I reflect and analyze and take the lessons I learned forward into my ongoing journey of personal development.
- I am both strong and vulnerable. I have been known to wear my heart on my sleeve, and I have also been criticized for this. But I am going to continue showing my vulnerability because in vulnerability there is strength. This is something that I struggled with for a long time because I thought that being vulnerable meant being weak; I thought that sharing my feelings, experiences, and stories without a filter would be shameful, embarrassing, and outcasting; I also thought that no one would relate or care. But as the years pass, I am learning increasingly just how untrue that all is.
- “You’re strong for a girl”. Notwithstanding the gender stereotypes of this statement, I am strong. I used to exercise to stay “slim”, but when I finally began exercising to get strong, I got bigger, which totally contradicted my lifelong perceptions and expectations of exercise. I finally accepted this about a year ago and was proud to be strong, not slim.
- I am good with change. Many people are afraid of change, but I love it. Through change (and exiting comfort zones) comes growth. So I guess another way to say this is that I value and pursue growth through change.
After having written all this down, I feel pretty good about myself.
And that’s the point!
I get into all sorts of relationships with other people and I tell them, relatively easily, “I love you”. Yet when it comes time, I struggle to say, “I don’t love you”. Contrastingly, when it comes to myself, it’s so very hard to say, “I love you”. It’s all the easier to point out my own flaws and shortcomings and say, “I don’t love you”. But it all starts with my inner self. I need to build my own sense of value and self-worth. You read the list. It’s obviously there; I’m worth something. And I need to continually embrace these self-affirmations rather than constantly seek external affirmation. Ultimately, the most important thing I can say to myself is:
I love you.
And the most important person I should say this to is myself.
Days of My Life 