Relationship Status

Recently, my colleague asked about my boyfriend. It had been months since I’d told her I had a boyfriend, and it has also been months since I’ve had a boyfriend. I then updated her on other realms of my life, including having just adopted Bruce (my dog). I forget now what exactly led to this, but at some point I said, “Who needs men when there are dogs?” She sternly responded, “Who needs men? Full stop.” And I felt that.

For the first time in a long time, maybe ever, I’ve been taking a break from dating. For years, I told myself and others that I was ready to be in a relationship and that I know what I want. And while that’s still true, I’m realizing more and more that I’ve never taken the time to be just me. That isn’t to say I wasn’t wholly me or myself throughout any of the dating I have done. It is to say, however, that I have seldom (some say never?) been on my own, or in a relationship with myself.

This is something that is difficult to admit and that I didn’t plan to ever write about, and as it’s unfolding with every clack of the keyboard, I’m feeling increasingly hesitant to share. But as I have echoed many times before: in vulnerability there is strength. So really, I’m just strength-building here.

I used to jump from relationship to relationship (using “relationship” rather loosely here). Years ago, I took a few months’ hiatus, did some personal development, figured out a bunch about myself, and was ready to dive back in. It’s been years since the dive back in, and it’s been one failed attempt (I’m sure there’s a softer way of expressing this, but it’s really what I mean) after another, and the spectrum of reasons ranges from “He isn’t who his profile portrayed” to “He stopped trying”. Of course, after seeing a trend, I began to question whether the problem was not “he” but “me”, after all. I questioned and criticized myself—harshly and painstakingly. It took a while before I realized, among many other things, that just because I am ready, does not mean that others are ready too. And just because someone else is ready, does not mean that we are ready or right for one another.

At this point, I am always ready for someone to exit my life as suddenly and quickly as they entered. Call it jaded, call it prepared, call it wise. But you know the one person who will never leave me? Me!

So going back to what I said earlier: I have never been in a relationship with myself. I take that to mean doing things for myself. I take it to mean caring about and giving effort to myself as much as I do to everybody else on whom I have wasted time. Oops, I mean as much as I do to everybody else I come to care about. I take it to mean truly listening to myself and respecting my own wants and needs. I take it to mean treating myself as well as I would a significant other. I’m the only person who I can never walk away from, who can never walk away from me. This makes this the most important relationship to have and be in.

So lately, I have focused more on myself—my health, my work, and my family and friends who have been around for an entire lifetime longer than anyone I’ve ever dated. And this relationship has been the most rejuvenating one I’ve been in in years.

And now I deeply feel these lyrics from the great Ariana:

Spend more time with my friends
I ain’t worried ’bout nothin’
Plus, I met someone else
We havin’ better discussions
I know they say I move on too fast
But this one gon’ last
‘Cause her name is Ari
And I’m so good with that (so good with that)

She taught me love
She taught me patience
How she handles pain
That shit’s amazing
I’ve loved and I’ve lost
But that’s not what I see
‘Cause look what I’ve found
Ain’t no need for searching, and for that, I say

Thank you, next