The Next Best Thing

I’ve been told by a few people that I’ve been close with that if I am constantly chasing the next best thing, if I keep wanting more or better, that I’ll never be satisfied with what I have. In fact, two of them even said that I’ll never be happy. The more I think about it, the more I see some logic in that thinking. However, I still cannot help but wonder what is so wrong with wanting and striving for more or better for myself. For many years, I have expressed that one of my fears is stagnancy, lack of growth. The idea of staying in one place for so long, without exploring what more there is or could be, is frightening to me. I don’t like the word “content” because it’s passive–being content doesn’t require action and doesn’t call for ambition. To me, it means you are okay with what you have and where you are and don’t feel the need or desire to improve or do anything more. And for me, that’s not enough.

I think there’s a distinction between always wanting more for yourself and always wanting to have more. It’s fine to have, but I think having things is a finite journey, because at some point, you will run out of resources that allow you to attain said things. Or you might run out of physical space. And then there’s also the law of diminishing marginal utility. But wanting more for yourself–to strive, to learn, to grow and develop–that’s only as finite as you make it. And to want to make that an ongoing journey–that’s how you push your limits and challenge yourself to become a better you.

Growing up, my mother often told me that I had great potential, that I was one of those people who could accomplish anything I put my mind to if I would just dedicate the time and effort. While I know she meant that with regard to a profession or career, I now am transposing that to the potential to be happy, the potential to be the best person I can be. And that is the kind of potential that exists for each one of us. And it’s the reason that I always want to more and better for myself.

So lately, I have been chasing the next best thing: a better me. Having been reevaluating the way I approach my relationships with others has led me to reevaluate the way I approach my relationship with myself. I might have written before about taking short breaks from certain relationships or from dating and taking time to recalibrate or focus on myself. Frankly, I never truly gave myself all that much time because I would start to feel “lonely” and miss the company of people who seemed to want me. In other words, while I wanted others to be interested in me and I certainly was, from time to time, interested in others, I wasn’t all that interested in myself.

Wow, what a revelation. The first time I’d thought those words was as I typed them just now.

Late last year through early this year, I had resumed dating after a two-month hiatus. I thought I knew what I was looking for, so I entered situations with people, only to tell one person after another that I didn’t see a future for us because/ and/ or I needed to focus on myself. At some point, I realized I’d said the latter enough times in a row to notice I’d been throwing a red flag. It was something I meant each time I said it, and yet I still hadn’t done it. So in April, I stopped dating and told myself I needed to accomplish some big things to set myself up for happiness and success in my thirties, and until I accomplished those things, I would not date anyone. I began doing things in my own best interest and giving a fair chance to myself to get where I need to be emotionally, mentally, and physically so that I can be whole and complete on my own, first and foremost.

And while admittedly there are times I feel lonely and, quite frankly, rather sad, the past six months have overall been wonderful. It is incredibly freeing to not have to worry about someone else or be accountable to someone else when all I really want to do is my own thing, on my own time. In the past six months, I have hosted many visiting friends in my home, continued developing the relationships I’ve established in Seattle, made new female friends who truly support one another, started a long-term writing project, begun reading for pleasure again for the first time since middle school, become more involved in my volunteer program working with high school students, and bought a home. I’ve also begun to say no to things that I don’t want to do and close doors to relationships that no longer uplift me and meanwhile to open up to new experiences that might make me uncomfortable but might expand my perspectives. In doing all of these things, I am setting myself up for happiness and success now and into my thirties and on. While I am not doing any of the jobs I ever fathomed for myself or fulfilling my potential in any way my mother imagined for me, I am becoming the kind of woman that, as I was growing up, I wanted to become: strong, ambitious, independent; relationship-builder, role model, writer.

Recently, a few friends have, on separate calls, asked me when I’m going to “get a boyfriend” or “start dating” again, and while part of me knows they ask that semi-teasingly, another part of me feels semi-irritated by those questions, because they imply that I’m missing something/ someone in my life or that there’s a milestone I haven’t reached. While that is a part of the long-term journey, currently I am respecting myself enough to put time and effort into becoming the best version of me; and I am respecting others enough to not have to say yet again that I don’t see a future because/ and/ or I need to focus on myself.

That is to say, I haven’t stopped chasing the next best thing and I haven’t stopped wanting more or better. Yet, I feel more confident in myself and happier by myself than I’ve ever felt before. And I call that a win.