It has been a whole year since I last wrote here. Throughout 2022, I have tried many times, and despite all of the big and important things that have happened, I never felt the inspiration or the motivation I needed to write–and I simply never made the time. However, each year around this time, as I turn another year older, I start reflecting on what I’ve done and what I hope to do.
This year, I worked on myself. A lot. I’ve written about my personal development journey, and I’ve preached endlessly about its unendingness. What’s different about this year is that I finally started to see a therapist, with whom I regularly have conversations that remind me that despite the work I have done, I still have a lot more work ahead. For the first several sessions, I wasn’t sure if I liked her; for the next few months, I wasn’t sure if I was getting value out of our sessions. But over the last few weeks, as I thought about the year, I remembered the handful of instances where I found myself at an inflection point, or in deep sadness, and therapy helped me dig deeper into why certain things, people, and values are so important to me; it helped me see the little girl that’s still deep inside me, longing for love and assurance and hoping to matter to those around me; it helped me continue to be the strong, independent woman I am proud to have become and still let myself depend on others.
And in doing so, I also learned to establish boundaries, which meant I had many difficult conversations this year. While years ago I had started writing about ending relationships or situations that no longer served me, I often still waited too long or tolerated too much before doing so. But I learned this year to figure out what my boundaries are and to set and express them clearly, even when I knew the other person might not like what I had to say; I couldn’t control their feelings or reactions, but when I could, with discernment, control the situations or eliminate the variables which made me uneasy or unhappy, I did so. This also meant cutting ties with multiple people, which did not get any easier to do each subsequent time. But it did create more space for peace in my life in every instance.
As part of setting my boundaries and ending relationships, in January, I quit my job of nearly seven years–the first full-time job I had–and I felt simultaneously relieved and sad. Like romantic breakups of the past, the resignation was something I knew I needed to do for a long time, and it took me just as long to work up the courage to do. While I was sad to leave what had been an integral part of my twenties, I knew I needed to go and grow elsewhere. I am now nine months into my new job, and while I continue to learn and grow in this new industry doing new things with new people, I also can’t help but constantly wonder what more there is to life and how I can achieve balance and fulfilment while still earning a reasonable income. I suppose this puts me in my mid-life crisis.
Speaking of crisis, my heart has been broken many times before, and this year, I thought I was done. I did not want to put myself through the cycle again, so I hesitated–hard–to open up completely to someone else. As safe and secure as that person made me feel, I couldn’t risk jumping into something with someone again; I couldn’t risk getting my heart broken again until I was absolutely sure. At some point, I couldn’t be any more sure, and I realized I was just scared. I was so, so scared. But I also recognized that just because others had hurt me before, didn’t mean this person would. This was the longest I took to commit to a serious relationship, and I am glad I took the time to be sure and that he was patient and sure enough to wait for me. In this process, I refamiliarized myself with feeling completely, genuinely, and wholeheartedly–and reopened my mind and heart to loving and being loved. It just so happens that this is the healthiest relationship I feel I have been in, and I wholeheartedly believe that, on my end, it is because I have been doing the work to figure out boundaries, express my needs, and learn from the past.
As I am getting older, I am also honing in on what I value, and what surprises me most is me time. Throughout my teens and twenties, I spent all of my time with all of the people doing all of the things in all of the places because I couldn’t stand being on my own because it meant I’d probably get into my own head and be alone with my thoughts. But that is exactly, at least partly, what I needed to do all this time (with a therapist). I needed to dig deeper and understand myself in order to be a better version of me–for myself and for my relationships. It turns out that me-time requires boundaries, as well–saying ‘no’ when I don’t want to participate in something or rearranging plans when I don’t have mental capacity to attend; it also means letting myself do what I need or want to do without letting the fear of missing out hinder my progress.
Having recently traveled internationally (outside of North America) for the first time since 2017, I am also getting the travel bug again. I am craving another visit to Kyoto, Cork, and Barcelona; I am eager to explore the wonders of the world and to experience life outside of American society. At the same time, as I value family more and more, I am also missing the proximity to my parents, sister, and nephews. While I’m not ready to make a move yet, I am thinking more about the future–something I didn’t do much of before.
I think I really must be in my mid-life crisis!
With that, here’s to 2023–another year of working on myself and hopefully a year of more writing, traveling, and therapy.
Days of My Life 